Dirty Rotten Pirates by Moira Butterfield

Dirty Rotten Pirates: A Revolting Guide to Pirates and Their World by Moira Butterfield, illustrated by Mauro Mazzara

Rating: 4 stars

This review was first published on the Washington FAMILY Magazine website:

Be forewarned: After reading this book, your kids might call each other “matey” and threaten to make you walk the plank if you feed them spinach and broccoli. Then again, you might cook them fish- and onion-filled salmagundi for dinner if they don’t mend the ship’s sails or ropes…

Dirty Rotten Pirates: A Truly Revolting Guide to Pirates and Their World is not for the faint of heart. The illustrations alone might give a child (or grown up!) the shivers. There are illustrations—and text to go along with—of a pirate looking up in fright at a “doctor” about to saw off his injured limb and another deceased pirate left to hang in the gallows for years after he took his last breath. Gruesome for sure, though what else would you expect from a book about pirates? These chaps were not known for their high-quality manners and impeccable oral hygiene! 

Therefore, it is appropriate that the target age range for this book is slightly older than the normal picture book range. The publisher recommends this book for 8 to 11 year olds. 

That said, Dirty Rotten Pirates delivers on its promise to teach your child about dirty, rotten pirates in a pretty revolting way. Each chapter showcases a different aspect of piracy, and each page is jam-packed with information about the history and life of pirates. I found myself spending the time to read all the facts, fascinated by the band of brothers that existed on each ship. This book, especially because of those gruesome illustrations mentioned above, is highly entertaining. 

To read the rest of the review, please click HERE.

No Pirates Allowed! Said Library Lou by Rhonda Gowler Greene

No Pirates Allowed! Said Library Lou by Rhonda Gowler Greene, illustrated by Brian Ajhar

Rating: 5 stars

Here's another book to add to the massive pile of children's books that teach children that brains can overpower brawn any day of the week.  Children love stories like this--probably because their muscles are, honestly, pretty wimpy at this point.

But what makes No Pirates Allowed! Said Library Lou particularly fantastic--and it is particularly fantastic--is the way that Rhonda Gowler Greene has taken that dusty theme, blown some seriously creative breath on it, and done a thing of her own.  (Brian Ajhar helps out with his larger-than-life illustrations of the characters!)

Here's the story:

Big Pirate Pete stomps into quiet, clean, serene Seabreezy Library one day.  With his stink and his squawking parrot, he's an easy target of sideway glances and frowny faces.  The library-goers are all afraid of him (or at least his smell), and they cower in the biography section.  All except Library Lou, who boldly strolls up, taps Big Pirate Pete on the shoulder, and asks if she can help.

"ARRGH!" Big Pete thundered. "Don't waste me day!
Walk the plank, saucy lass, or show me the way!

(Okay, I know I would be irate if Ben called me a "saucy lass"--though I shouldn't get too mad because I know that I am--I did chuckle when I read it out loud.)

Library Lou tells him that there is treasure in the library.  But he has to go home and shower first.  Big Pirate Pete's eyes get big at the fact that this landlubber is telling him what to do.  But treasure is involved.  So he goes home and scrubs himself silly.

When a squeaky-clean (and dashingly handsome) Big Pirate Pete strolls through the library doors the next day, Library Lou tells him there's another thing he has to do: learn the alphabet.  Big Pirate Pete is shocked that there are more than Xs he needs to know about!  Library Lou teaches him every day, and sends home a stack of books with him every night.  Big Pirate Pete reads them on his pirate ship--on the poop deck, to be exact.  Library Lou entices him to read more and more by saying there is a clue in a book…and Big Pirate Pete gets dizzy looking at the stacks and stacks of books in the library.

But he starts searching for the "clue" Library Lou references…

Maybe, just maybe, the code be in rhyme.
He loved Mother Goose.  Dr. Seuss--how sublime!
They tickled his fancy, but--no secret code.
Avast! Easy readers! He snatched Frog and Toad. 

Day after day after day he went back.
And night after night, he piled high a new stack.
He found books called classics, great tales of the sea.
"Blimey!" cried Big Pete. "Thar's whar the clue be! 

Treasure Island…Me like it!" But--no clue to be found.
Stumped, Big Pete scoured each shelf, up and down.

In the end, after reading dozens of books with fun references for kids and grown ups a la Wild About Books, Big Pirate Pete goes back to the library.  He's found the treasure.  And he wants to thank sweet Library Lou for helping him find it: "it" being reading for fun, of course!

This is a wonderful, fun read--again, I triple dog dare any kid who is NOT wild about books to let it sit on their night stand for more than a few minutes…!

P.S. This is another book chosen by kids for kids through the Children's Choices Project.  Click here to access pdf of all the great 2014 award-winning books and recommendations.

A Pirate's Night Before Christmas by Philip Yates

 A Pirate's Night Before Christmas by Philip Yates, illustrated by Sebastia Serra

Rating: 4 stars

Second nerdy confession of the day: It amuses me greatly to pick up our "on-hold" books at the library before I get the email notifying me that they are there, ready to be picked up.  But that's what happened yesterday when we went to the library--this book was waiting for us, pre-notification email!  I know, I know...cheap thrills.

If your child is into pirates, this is a great book to buy.  Or, if you just like reading books in a pirate accent ("aaarrgh!"), this is a great book to read.  The words and the illustrations are bright and lively and funny and clever.

But he hopped in his sleigh, to his team gave a roar:
"It's time to return to the briny deep floor!"

Santa is "Sir Peggedy" who lives in the deep water, and comes up from below with the help of eight giant, magic sea horses that pull his sleigh.  He hands out gifts to each buccaneer:

Anchors an' hornpipes an' cackle-fruit eggs,
Pearls an' red sashes for Bonnie an' Meg.
A cauldron for Cook filled with pieces of shank,
And just for the Cap'n a shiny new plank.

We had a lot of fun imagining a plank in our stockings on Christmas morning!  The narrator of the tale gets a special gift: a map to a treasure "where X-mas marks the spot!"

Another great version of the classic tale...  Merry Christmas, me buckos, an' a Happy New Year!

Dirty Joe the Pirate: A True Story by Bill Harley

Dirty Joe the Pirate: A True Story by Bill Harley, illustrated by Jack E. Davis

Rating: 5 stars

Rarely am I really surprised by a book.  This one got me.  In a great, great, much-needed way.

Lorelei and Ben were sitting in my lap, Lorelei's wet-from-the-bath hair was soaking my shirt, but I was happy she chose this book, unknown to me.  I started it with my best pirate accent...

Bill Harley whittles witty rhymes out of an already humorous story: Dirty Joe is a pirate captain who likes to steal his enemy's socks.

The socks he took from other ships, you'll be surprised to learn,
He tied upon his rigging lines that stretched from bow to stern.
They flapped and fluttered in the breeze, five hundred little flags--
And the smell that those old socks gave off was enough to make you gag.

They soon see another pirate ship, to which they set their sights, eager to gain even more stinky socks for their ship.  They look at it and notice that this pirate ship also has a whole lot of flags flapping along, but they don't think much of it...yet.  As they approach, they realize that this pirate ship has a female captain, and an entirely female crew.

"It's Stinky Annie," someone said, "and her band of smelly varmints.
She captures every boat she can and takes their undergarments."
"Then all is lost," another said.  "We haven't got a chance.
You can't be a pirate if you don't have underpants."

I love this!  A band of women pirates who are just as stinky and brazen and full of arrrrghs like the boys!  As the two ships come together and the fight started (there are some pirates with swords and knives, but most have creative weapons: a fly-swatter, a broom, a toaster, a tennis racket).  Soon, Dirty Joe and his boys realize they are fighting in vain: the girls don't have any socks on!

They continue the fight anyway until the two captains give each other the one-eye (literally; they each wear an eye patch).

Stinky Annie lowered her sword.  They peered at one another.
"Wait," she said, "I see it now--you're Joe, my little brother."
"That's right," said Joe.  "You're sister Ann, you bounced me on your knee.
Put down your sword, give up this fight.  Please don't do this to me!"

I thought this was the ending--one of an amicable handshake full of sibling love, an image I'd like my kids to have.  (Well, I hope their handshakes involve hands rather than hooks.)  But Annie throws a curve ball.  Nope, she still wants their underwear!  Hand 'em over!

The illustration by Jack Davis, by the way, is great: chuckling, victorious, sockless female pirates and humiliated, frowning male pirates all wearing barrels to protect their modesty.  And the last stanza, which left me cracking up then in the hallway with my trio, because I knew it to be true more than those two little brothers Ben and Kiefer:

That's the finish of this tale.  It's silly and it's done.
But there's a lesson here that I'd impart to everyone:
If you've got an older sister, then I feel bad for you,
'Cause just as long as she's alive, she'll tell you what to do.

So, so, SO true!  I am cracking up again--because my purse at this very moment is a list my big sister wrote for me today of the things I need to have done by the time I see her again on Thanksgiving.  Ha!

Charlotte Jane Battles Bedtime by Myra Wolfe

Charlotte Jane Battles Bedtime by Myra Wolfe, illustrated by Maria Monescillo

Rating: 5 stars

Charotte Jane and I have a lot in common, I think.  Both of us were born with "oomph," as Myra Wolfe wittily puts it.  She relishes swashbuckling sessions, treasure hunts, and Fantastic Feats of Daring.  I relish Crossfit workouts, dance parties with my trio, and Fantastic Foods I Prepare.  We both "get all the juice" from our days.

Unlike me, Charlotte Jane doesn't like bedtime.  She stays up later and later and later until finally--victory!--she stays up.  All.  Night.  Long.  (I do have occasional bouts of insomnia, but I do not whisper "victory" like she does.  Instead I work on this blog or other writing projects.)

The next day, Charlotte Jane can't find her "oomph."  She was too tired to do all the stuff that she normally likes to do, too sleepy to participate with her usual chutzpah.  Her parents are alarmed and hunt for her "oomph" as if it is something to be picked up, dusted off, and replaced.  This is where Charlotte Jane and I are one again--I sorta feel like I've lost my "oomph."  I'd very much like to have it picked up, dusted off, and replaced.  Has anyone seen it?  I know my parents would gladly search in the neighbor's recycling bin or up in the old oak tree for my "oomph," just as Charlotte Jane's pirate parents do.

Finally, Charlotte Jane herself finds it.  In the form of her soft feather bed.  She decides that sleep is for landlubbers, but dreams...her "hearty dreams"...were worth sleeping for.

This is a great book.  I love how the main character is a headstrong little girl (I'm rereading Caddie Woodlawn, which makes me even more aware of great female roles in books), I love how she's a swashbuckling pirate, and I love how she solves her own problem.  I'm trying to solve my own missing-"oomph" problem.  Perhaps a week at the beach with my family will help.  I'll keep my eyes on the horizon for some pirates such as these.

The only downside to this gem of a book: how to explain what "oomph" means to your 3 and 5 year old...